*From mommy's friend Erica Lyn




*Special thanks to L&S Graphics

   

Ayden means: Little Fire (Gaelic); Fiery (Modern English)
Michael means: Who is like God? (Hebrew)

Adam and I found out we were expecting on January 5th, 2007 (my mom's birthday). We were so nervous and excited, my first doctor's appointment was on January 24th, I remember sitting in there thinking " I can't believe that I am going to be a mom". The regular test were done on our first appointment and the million tubes of blood were taken, based on my last cycle the doctor estimated my due date to be September 4th. Our next appointment was on February 20th, I was so anxious for this day to come because it was my first ultrasound. I remember laying there and looking at the screen and seeing my baby for the first time, he was just the cutest little blob with hiccups. I laid there and cried, I couldn't believe that he was mine and I had this tiny person inside of me, I felt so blessed. Based on his size the doctor changed my due date from the 4th to the 12th of September. 
As weeks passed I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy with him, I had no morning sickness with him and I felt great everyday until the 8th month when the backaches and tiredness kinda of kicked in. My belly finally started to pudge around 16 weeks, and Adam was so anxious for me to start showing. He would ask me almost everyday "when do you think you will start showing?" 
Soon after my sister-in-law found out she was pregnant and we were excited to know we would be pregnant together. Everyone couldn't wait until we found out the sex of our baby and just about everyone hoped for a boy, and my mom and Adam's mom said that deep down they KNEW it was a boy. Finally, May 10th arrived and Adam, my mom and I were on our ways to find out the sex of our Little Goober. As I laid there and the doctor rolled around my belly, I remember looking at each detail of my baby on that screen his ribs, his arms and his beating heart. The doctor asked "Do you want to know the sex?"..."Yes" 
"Looks like a boy" and after he said that I didn't even have to turn and look at the smiles on Adam's and my mom's face, I could hear them. Soon after the appointment everyone was on their phone telling everyone that we would be expecting a baby boy in September. As the months flew and doctor's appointments came and went, each and everyone was fine. The only problem was that I was  Group B Strep positive, I freaked but they explained it was a normal bacteria and that I would be given antibiotics to take at the time and I would be on antibotics when I went into labor. The doctor said it wasn't a great concern, and it was nothing to worry about if I took my full prescription of the antibiotics he prescribed to me and as long as I was antibioctics during labor. Besides, the Group B Strep.. everything was perfect.
As my due date drew closer everyone was more and more excited, our first child, first grandson, first nephew, first greatgrandson was coming.
The morning of the 27th started as any other morning, I was up at 6:30 the time Adam would usually be coming home from work. It was Monday morning and he worked nights, so he didn't work Sunday night and he stayed asleep. It was my brother's first day back to school so I took them to school. Usually, Ayden was on a schedule and would start kicking around 7am, it's like he knew when daddy was home but he didn't kick that morning. I assumed he was sleeping since Adam and I had been up late the night before watching movies, and holding my belly feeling his kicks and laughing at the way my belly popped up and down because he had the hiccups it was between 1:30 and 2:00am when he had them. As my day went on I worked and still no kick, I started to get concerned and I remember that my sister-in-law had told me she called her dr. when she didn't feel her baby kick for awhile and they told her to drink some juice for the sugar or to drink some caffeine, so i grabbed a cup of juice and waited for awhile still nothing. Adam had came down from just waking up and I told him he still hadn't moved after that he tried to get him to move and there still was nothing I called the dr. and they told me to go into Labor and Delivery as soon as possible.When I got there they had me change into a hospital gown, and then I laid down for them to hook me up to a fetal monitor. The nurse was trying to find his heartbeat and was going over and over my belly,then she came across a heartbeat and I asked her " Did you find it, is it his??" and she hesitated and had an unsure look on her face and responded "uhh.. I think that's yours". She decided to bring someone else in and then the next nurse was looking for it, then she said "well i'm going to get another machine sometimes the smaller ones are better" so she left and came back and still she found nothing. She said that she would call our doctor to come and do an ultrasound to see if he can see the hearbeat. (In the back of my mind I knew that he was gone.) She said that sometimes depending on the position of the baby it's hard to pick up the heartbeat, I think she was just trying to give us some hope.
It took the Dr. 30minutes to get there!!! When he was ONLY 5 minutes away at the MOST! He came in and started the ultrasound and over and over he was going and we knew .. we knew what his beating heart looked like and there was nothing but a black hole. I knew my baby, my son, my first child was gone; but it was as if I needed to hear the words straight from the doctors mouth and soon after they came. "Erica, I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat. Sometimes these things" "Happen." .. "How??.. How could this happen??!!" Is what my mind kept thinking and I could feel my heart crumble into tiny pieces..I surely thought I was going to die on the spot of a broken heart. The doctor told us he would leave us alone for a few moments and so he left Adam, my mother and I there with broken hearts and shattered hopes and dreams. After tears and screams he came back in to tell us what would happen next he gave me the option of inducing labor and letting me have Ayden naturally, which the process would not start till the next morning after his morning surgery that he had scheduled and then he told me I could have a C-section. They took me to a private room to let me decide on what I would do next. I chose to have a C-section the idea of keeping my "sleeping" child in me was unbearable, not cause he was gone but because I wanted nothing more than to have him in my arms that very moment! We waited 4 hours until my C-section and during that time.. family member after family member came in and friend after friend. At 9pm they came to wheel me into the OR and I remember reaching for Adam before they rolled me in and he squeezed my hand and I told him for us to pray for a miracle. I just hoped and prayed that maybe...just maybe the ultrasound was wrong. They delivered my son Ayden Michael Saenz into this world at 9:38. He was perfect in everyway I remember seeing him lying there while they cleaned him and he had a head full of hair, it hurt cause I couldn't hold him but when they came and showed him to me I thanked God for giving me this perfect baby boy. I remember being wheeled back into the room and waking up hours later, hours after family members left and held my baby boy. It hurts to not be the first to hold him,, when I did wake I was still a little off from the drugs, but next to my bed was my son and I finally got to hold him and I ached so bad from my broken heart, I just wished he would open his eyes but instead.... in my arms laid my first born child perfect from his 10 tiny fingers to his 10 tiny toes and lifeless.I never expected to put lay my baby to rest on the first estimated due date that they had given me, September 4th,2007. 
My heart will never heal, and my arms remain empty. I am so down and depressed some days and some days I get so angry at God. I try to be strong, because I would imagine that my Ayden wouldn't want to see me cry. I do thank God for blessing me with Ayden, he let me experience True love.. A love between mother and child..A love that no one could ever replace or take away.. and he has given me the hope that one day when my trials here on Earth are done, I will be with my Ayden again.. I will hold him close and never let go.

 

    












Aunt Rosa and Ayden 

Many Prayers I know 
You've said for me
And happy is what 
You want me to be
I'm so thankful for an aunt 
Who cares for me so
And for all the love
To me that you showed
God certainly knew 
What to do 
That's why He gave
Me an aunt like you


Dated: 09/25/2007
To my Ayden:

My sweet baby I miss you so much and eveyday is a struggle for me. I have to say some days are better than others, I try to show your daddy I can be strong but my heart aches without you. I want to hold you again and kiss you, and I never want to let you go. I can't believe I left that hospital without you, I want you to know that I never wanted to. Sometimes it hurts to even look at daddy cause I know that he is a part of you and I see you in him when I look at him but I want you to know that I love him so much cause without him I would have never had you. I just hope that you know how much we love you and we only want you here with us. We counted down the days and as each day passed we grew more anxious and nervous to meet me. Ayden, if I would have never doubted myself would you still be here?? I wonder that everyday and wonder if there is anyway our thougths or actions is what made you leave or why god may have taken you? All I want to say is we love you, both daddy and I and yes sometimes I feel I can't go on without you. I love you Ayden you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm sure daddy would say the same. You are the love of my life and I love your daddy everyday for giving you to me and I thank him in everyway. It's time for me to go to bed and I hope to have sweet dreams of you. I love you with all my heart and soul my little goober! I miss you so much Ayden Michael Saenz!!



Love,

Mommy